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You're old enough to support yourself, travel, and live the life that you had always hoped for except for one small caveat; you’ve got parents that only want you to leave the house if you’re wrapped in bubble wrap and put in a leave request a month prior to going out. Having to live like this can almost feel claustrophobic and if we’re being honest, it’s not really living. Whether you are twenty or twenty-nine you should be treated like an adult that can handle their own business! Having overprotective parents can send someone into hyper-independence mode out of the fear of being controlled again. While being independent is not a bad thing by any means, you should still rely on other people without being stressed about it.
Unfortunately it is easier said than done especially if you are someone that has grown up with overprotective parents. Don’t give up hope yet because there are so many resources and possibilities available to you! Join us as we delve into the struggles of overprotective parents but more importantly- how to forge a new way for yourself without restrictions.
What we will go over in this article:
- What an overprotective parent entails
- The psychological effects associated with dealing with overprotective parents
- How to gain control in your life and set boundaries
Love That Smothers
People say that being a parent is one of the most rewarding things in the world. Once you see that baby being born you can’t help but love it with your whole heart. This kind of love can be taken to the extreme by those that are too scared of their children (inevitably) experiencing the negative aspects of the world. An overprotective parent wants to protect their child from any pain whether it be physical, mental, or emotional. Now you’re probably thinking “That's obvious, every parent should want to protect their child like that” but there is a limit to which it should be done.
Some parents take protecting their child to the extreme. While their reasoning for doing so may come from a place of love it ultimately can hinder the development of the child. By sheltering them to the extreme the child is unable to learn from their own experiences that are made by their own judgment. As they grow older they may feel like they cannot trust their own choices or feel they are entitled to better treatment since their parents instilled that ideology in them.
Here are some examples of how an overprotective parent may behave towards their child:
- Controlling many aspects of their child's life
- Make decisions on behalf of the child
- Restricted independence or opportunities
- Overinvolvement
- No boundaries in place for the child's sake
- Emotionally heightened and overreacting
The “Helicopter Parent” is another term that refers to overprotective parents. The meaning is essentially in the name, it is a parent that hovers over their child like a helicopter would but for the purpose of monitoring their every move and decision. The actions from overprotective or helicopter parents, however you would like to call them, can do their child more harm than good despite what they are accustomed to believing.
Psychological Effects That You Should Know Of
Before we can discuss how the child can be affected, it is necessary to acknowledge why the parents may act this way in the first place. It is caused by a number of things, one of the most plausible being trauma from experiences that have negatively impacted the parent earlier on in life. They don’t want their children to ever have to experience the pain that they did so they ensure that it won’t to an excessive degree. This trauma evolves into anxiety and fear over the well-being of their future children. Or the reasoning is relatively newer, perhaps the parent attached their identity to that of the child. What their child accomplishes is really the parents' accomplishment. There are a variety of reasons as to why someone may behave in a controlling way towards others, if they notice these patterns it would be incredibly beneficial for them to seek therapy to break the pattern.
Children that have been subjected to the overprotective parenting style can experience some issues that will hinder them throughout adulthood. To minimize the damage done, parents should not be overly controlling starting when they are in the toddler stage. Since these years are crucial for a child's development of learning how to behave in society, they should not be confined to what the parent deems best. Allowing the child to figure out problems, clean up their toys, and learn to self-regulate without parental intervention will benefit them immensely as they grow up. Understanding that if they are overly dependent on the parents starting from a young age they will be unable to (or struggle to) form their own sense of independence later on.
If a child has been overprotected by a parent there are some problems that will stem from this exposure:
- Inability to self-regulate
- Lack of independence
- Fear of disappointment or not meeting expectations of others
- Social skills are limited
- Resentment towards the parents
These are but a few examples of the negative effects that are associated with the overprotective parenting style. It is crucial for parents to recognize this dynamic and strive for a balance that doesn’t leave the child feeling isolated. Just because a child may experience these effects doesn’t mean that they are permanent. There are plenty of resources available that can reshape these ways of thinking into more positive ways. Participating in individual or family therapy sessions with a licensed professional can guide affected people on to the path of healing.
Time To Take Control Of Your Life
As the person who is struggling with a controlling parent that does not recognize the harmful dynamic they have imposed upon you, you are not alone and there are ways to break free from this cycle.
Setting Boundaries
There are two kinds of boundaries- soft and hard. When establishing a soft boundary with someone it could look like more of a compromise. Whereas a hard boundary is one that you will not waver from changing regardless of who tries to negotiate with you. Choosing which type of boundary to set is dependent on the direness of your situation and your needs or beliefs.
To set the boundary you can approach your parents with a conversation after reflecting on exactly what you need. Communicating is the best way to know what someone is thinking and feeling so this should always be the first approach taken. It should not include judgmental or accusatory remarks because that would only welcome the conversation to escalate and cause the overall situation to presumably worsen.
Be firm when explaining your needs and feelings to your parents. It will show them that you have thoroughly thought the situation through and that their actions have affected you so much that this point has been reached. This is not the time to abuse the situation by demanding special treatment or compensation. If you feel that it is necessary, you can explain that if they do not respect your boundaries that there will be consequences, such as limiting contact with them.
Self-Help
Showing yourself the proper love that your soul needs should become one of the biggest priorities in your life. So think now, what are some ways that you can promote self-care in your life? It could be creating a weekly ritual of taking a bath with a glass of wine (or water) or speaking positive affirmations into the mirror every morning. We might sound like a broken record at this point but therapy will truly help you if you feel that the problems caused by your parents severely affect your daily life. If you plan on having kids one day it could also benefit them as well knowing that you broke the cycle early on.
Although our world revolves around our parents for a majority of our lives there are others out there for us to lean on as well. Connecting with others, be it friends or support groups, will give you a sense of belonging. These connections will support you in your times of need and that is what is so special about them. New friendships can be made online or in person while you are doing the things you like. Prioritizing your happiness will attract the kind of love that you want in your life and in turn other people that resonate with your soul will find you as well.
Removing Yourself From The Equation
This is an option that is a bit of a wildcard. In the event that your parents are extremely controlling and cannot be reasoned with no matter how many ways you try it; going no-contact might be necessary. Going no-contact means severing any form of contact or access that your parents may have to you. It is a very big decision to make and if made on a whim it could be detrimental to your relationships. This method should be thoroughly considered before action is taken.
Our Final Thoughts On Overprotective Parents
Whew, that was a lot to take in! It can be a heavy topic for some people or a conversation that others aren’t ready to have. Navigating relationships with parents is difficult and entails so many nuances. It is a process so have patience with yourself and with others!
